How do you spend forced alone time?
In a prison, an open prison. Between people, out of reach. They see me and don’t see me. I’m the invisible attractive woman. Why invisible, to everybody? No, the opposite sex see me, they look at me. They say I’m interesting, magnetic. For the women my power isn’t power, it’s weakness. The opposing end.
I’m always alone. I’m always punished for being still here. At a wedding last week— I wasn’t really there, not a single picture of me was taken… or were they deleted… I feel invisible, I might disappear any moment and the people around will sigh in relief, as if they only felt a disturbing ghostly presence…
I’m so lonely, so lonely… It’s a loneliness beyond words, those days are cursed. I only talked to two people, it takes a lot of empathy not to look away, I do feel sorry for them. I see a spark, I see someone’s pitiful glance. Well again it wasn’t a call for me, not yet, but when…
I’m too proud to beg. I’m too proud to pretend, to fake normalcy, to resist being who I am. Sometimes overflowing with empathy and sympathy, filled with hope, it lasts until I see they’re ready to live without me. I set you free, my loved ones. My job here was done. I’m too detached, too absent to be seen here, here… I don’t think I’m here.
I think I maybe died during one of those cursed years, during childbirth, or maybe that bus did hit me… maybe my lover killed me… I had to beg on my knees, I had to bring him to rage, I had to lead him to the end… One step further, only one and… I’m out of this… Hell.
With every day my loneliness is getting worse. I’m either very weird, anxious, mistakenly seen as arrogant… I ask myself what it is every day. Some days I allow the disappointment to rule, I’m out of the woods for a long time now but too many days around people who want nothing to do with me, hypocrisy, broken promises, loveless, raging, ugly loneliness. My alone time? I consider a prison to be a better place, the solitary confinement, yes. I can’t find my people. I live to feel the despair of every minute, locked inside, outside, anyplace, confined not within walls or any known force. Do you see me? No, don’t tell me, I’m not ready to hear this!